THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of)
 those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the
 most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
 
 1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
 
 (# 1) Los Angeles, CA.  Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove
 a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
 pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
 one-half stick of dynamite.  They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch
 from inside their home, behind a window some 10  feet away from the
 hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion  shattered  the window inwards,
 seriously lacerating Ani.  Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the
 brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.  While walking towards
 their car,  Ani was stung three  times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst
 to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation
 enroute to the hospital.
 
 (# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were
 driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South
 Wales, on Wednesday night, police said.  Their car crashed into the side
 of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing (I guess that
 would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!).  The vehicle became
 wedged between the second to last and last carriages and was dragged
 sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police
 spokeswoman said.  After being carried more than a kilometer and a half,
 they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman
 said.  Moments before they reached the  precipice, the car was struck by a
 pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times.  When it came to
 rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with minor
 bruising and the man set off  along the railway line for help.  But he
 slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said.  The
 woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree
 hospital with chest injuries.
  
 (# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
 third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth
 E.Richards.  According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
 roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
 revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
  
 (# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ.  An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death
 on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a
 local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it, the
 dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
  
 (# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
 and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
 the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
  
 (# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
 bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would
 protected him against a knife attack.  It didn't, and the 25-year-old
 guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into
 the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
  
 (# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
 to commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
 around his neck.  He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.  He
 drank some poison and set fire to his clothes.  He even tried to shoot
 himself at the last moment.  He jumped and fired the pistol.  The bullet
 missed him completely and cut through the rope
 above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.  The
 sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.  He
 was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was
 taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
 
 (# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA.  On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington
 man tried to commit a robbery.  This was probably his first attempt, as
 suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of
 violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
 
       1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
       2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
 portion of the adult population is 
           licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
       3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
 car parked at the front door.
       4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
 coffee before reporting to duty.
 
 Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired
 a few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
 removing him from the gene pool.  Several other customers also drew their
 guns, but didn't fire.  No one else was hurt.
  
 1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS  (I.E. Non-fatalities)
 
 Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home
 video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had
 written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire,
 the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by
 dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes.  The intentional fire, which
 proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third
 degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs.  It was all captured
 on film.
 
 *************
 In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which
 he handed to his wife.  She opened the container and, startled to see the
 snake, dropped it.  The excited and poisonous snake
 immediately bit Mr.Cruwe on the shin.  Mr Cruwe survived the wound and
 recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
 
 *************
 In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
 discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
 Michaels, age 27.  The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering
 by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, in spite of  the
 estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot
 diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck.
 Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of
 gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out.
 After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
 emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it
 again, to no avail.  Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined
 Mr. Michaels  proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
 sloping pipe to toss the  match.  The subsequent rapidly expanding
 fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much
 higher rate of speed.  He exited the angled
 pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness
 Joseph McFadden, 31.  Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own
 home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.
 In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler
 Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by
 a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor
 injuries.  "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they
 shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure
 I wouldn't get hurt."
  
 **************
 Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked out
 of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their
 rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
 authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss.  To a man they
 claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
 trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within
 minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air
 Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of
 its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
 Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken
 off for home. Unprepared for live cargo,  the Russian crew was
 ill-equipped to manage a now  rampaging cow within its hold. To save the
 aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as
 they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
  
 ****************
 And the winner is: Japan Times-April 16, 1997   "The government must crack
 down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon
 Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it
 will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the
 remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the
 hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump,"
 he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves
 a rush of air, creating a momentary high.This act is a sin against God."
 Charnchai took it further still.
 
 He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting
 enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the
 compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it,
 so,under cover of darkness, he snuck in.  Not realizing how powerful the
 machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin
 in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly.  Passers-by are
 still in shock.  One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks
 display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him.", say
 the police authorities.  "When that quantity of air interacted with the
 gas in his system, he nearly exploded.  It was like a bomb went off or
 something."  
 
 
 "Pumping is the devil's pastime, your tires by all means, but then hide
 your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." Let's hear it for Charnchai
 Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Awards recipient!